(Sep 19, 2008)
"Stop saying you've tried when you didn't even bother to."
That was the only sentence Josh replied me this morning after sending him a 6 pages long message last night. But I guess he made his point and brought it across to me.
Whatever it is, I'm pretty much happy with what I am now even though I wished that I was still the good old fiona who's bubbly and goes around laughing non-stop (like what many remembered) with anyone, anywhere. Now, I choose who I laughed with, who to joke with and who to hang out with. It's tiring to try to be someone you are not but there's a point in life whereby you will undergo changes due to difficult circumstances. That's how a person grow. Try to see things in my POV and you will know why I changed.
I heard the most hurtful things from this friend because he was half drunk. Many might not know that I was pretty hurt by those words but in fact, I am very much hurt by it. I know I can be straightforward at times saying things impulsively but I didn't know that he would have think that I am someone untrustable, someone who broadcast secrets and someone who doesn't think before she talks. I mean, a drunkard man always speaks the truth, no?
And next, well, some might witness the whole fiona-crying-during-DYB scene and was pretty shocked. That was one of my lowest point in life. I was trying to love someone and hate the other at the same time. I tried to love and I loved. I tried to hate but I can't. I tried to ignore what I saw, I tried to act as though I know nothing but oh well, like what that friend said, I'm someone who talks without thinking. So I whined and complained to some and most of the time, I just kept everything to myself.
And lastly, that fateful night out at Cartel for cakes with two other friends. How an unintentional from a special friend broke me. I felt so lousy. I swear I could burst into tears on the spot after he said those words: "I look down on smokers because of you." It really broke me. It really did. Although I didn't really point or say out how hurt I was. It hurt more than what the previous friend said about me. And following that night, everything just changed.
Three points. Three is enough to explain to you and whoever is wondering why is Fiona so different today like she used to. After everything, I knew that distance is the only way out. So I tried to distance myself from most of the usuals (if you know). The first step, stop hanging out and slowly as the time pass by, there's less topic, less conversation and in the end you get it; distance. I was all out to distance myself from everyone. Trust me, it's not easy especially for someone like me who loves going out and hanging out with my friends. But I succeeded and now, it's so difficult for me to turn back.
No, M, we do not need to talk things out. And please don't blamed yourself for anything that happened in my life. Sorry I have to say this, but we are not that close to begin with. He might be one of the reason why I treated you this way but like what I've mentioned, I was just distancing from everyone. Whatever it is, I hope you just stay happy like how you are now, with yourself, your friends and even with him. Because I'd lost all hopes.
ANYWAY,
Admist all those thoughts that caused me some self implicted pain, I managed to continue to smile and be happy and I felt so much better after Invy's flying kiss. Tom, Matthew and Gabriel came back to SG to visit their friends today and us (Warren & I) and they can't stop talking about NS. But it was nice having seniors visiting you at work and the most important part is, we all got the donuts they bought! Hahaha.
We celebrated Yumi's birthday in advance today. Had steamboat and that mango cake from Breadtalk is AWESOME. I am full and I can't sit. 10 people have to wait for me to shit after dinner ended.
Hi Yumi, 3rd birthday I've celebrated with you and I hope you love it all the same. You are a friend so dear I will keep you in my heart. I just wish to see you happy, happy from the bottom of your heart again. And if he's someone who can give you the happiness, please go for it and not let anything stop you from it because at the end of the day, as long as you're happy, everyone, EVERYONE of us will be very happy for you and him as well. I wish you all the best. Stay happy as always. I love you many, muacksszxzxzx.
&&&&&&&,
to my dear SIP partner in crime, Pumpkin, sorry for being so bitchy to you at work all the time. Saying you're gay and just being a total bitch at work but at the end of the day, you know you are my handsomest Pumpkin and husband since yr 1 and thank you for being there for me at work all the time even when you got reprimanded by mei you niao because of what I'd done. Thank you for making me a better person. Thank you for rubbing my shoulders when I was about to blow off. Please read this and don't mention anything in my face the next time you see me because I think this is really mushy. LOL.
Finally I am going for some Starbucks session with Carmen tomorrow. I need to turn in soon.
That was the only sentence Josh replied me this morning after sending him a 6 pages long message last night. But I guess he made his point and brought it across to me.
Whatever it is, I'm pretty much happy with what I am now even though I wished that I was still the good old fiona who's bubbly and goes around laughing non-stop (like what many remembered) with anyone, anywhere. Now, I choose who I laughed with, who to joke with and who to hang out with. It's tiring to try to be someone you are not but there's a point in life whereby you will undergo changes due to difficult circumstances. That's how a person grow. Try to see things in my POV and you will know why I changed.
I heard the most hurtful things from this friend because he was half drunk. Many might not know that I was pretty hurt by those words but in fact, I am very much hurt by it. I know I can be straightforward at times saying things impulsively but I didn't know that he would have think that I am someone untrustable, someone who broadcast secrets and someone who doesn't think before she talks. I mean, a drunkard man always speaks the truth, no?
And next, well, some might witness the whole fiona-crying-during-DYB scene and was pretty shocked. That was one of my lowest point in life. I was trying to love someone and hate the other at the same time. I tried to love and I loved. I tried to hate but I can't. I tried to ignore what I saw, I tried to act as though I know nothing but oh well, like what that friend said, I'm someone who talks without thinking. So I whined and complained to some and most of the time, I just kept everything to myself.
And lastly, that fateful night out at Cartel for cakes with two other friends. How an unintentional from a special friend broke me. I felt so lousy. I swear I could burst into tears on the spot after he said those words: "I look down on smokers because of you." It really broke me. It really did. Although I didn't really point or say out how hurt I was. It hurt more than what the previous friend said about me. And following that night, everything just changed.
Three points. Three is enough to explain to you and whoever is wondering why is Fiona so different today like she used to. After everything, I knew that distance is the only way out. So I tried to distance myself from most of the usuals (if you know). The first step, stop hanging out and slowly as the time pass by, there's less topic, less conversation and in the end you get it; distance. I was all out to distance myself from everyone. Trust me, it's not easy especially for someone like me who loves going out and hanging out with my friends. But I succeeded and now, it's so difficult for me to turn back.
No, M, we do not need to talk things out. And please don't blamed yourself for anything that happened in my life. Sorry I have to say this, but we are not that close to begin with. He might be one of the reason why I treated you this way but like what I've mentioned, I was just distancing from everyone. Whatever it is, I hope you just stay happy like how you are now, with yourself, your friends and even with him. Because I'd lost all hopes.
ANYWAY,
Admist all those thoughts that caused me some self implicted pain, I managed to continue to smile and be happy and I felt so much better after Invy's flying kiss. Tom, Matthew and Gabriel came back to SG to visit their friends today and us (Warren & I) and they can't stop talking about NS. But it was nice having seniors visiting you at work and the most important part is, we all got the donuts they bought! Hahaha.
We celebrated Yumi's birthday in advance today. Had steamboat and that mango cake from Breadtalk is AWESOME. I am full and I can't sit. 10 people have to wait for me to shit after dinner ended.
Hi Yumi, 3rd birthday I've celebrated with you and I hope you love it all the same. You are a friend so dear I will keep you in my heart. I just wish to see you happy, happy from the bottom of your heart again. And if he's someone who can give you the happiness, please go for it and not let anything stop you from it because at the end of the day, as long as you're happy, everyone, EVERYONE of us will be very happy for you and him as well. I wish you all the best. Stay happy as always. I love you many, muacksszxzxzx.
&&&&&&&,
to my dear SIP partner in crime, Pumpkin, sorry for being so bitchy to you at work all the time. Saying you're gay and just being a total bitch at work but at the end of the day, you know you are my handsomest Pumpkin and husband since yr 1 and thank you for being there for me at work all the time even when you got reprimanded by mei you niao because of what I'd done. Thank you for making me a better person. Thank you for rubbing my shoulders when I was about to blow off. Please read this and don't mention anything in my face the next time you see me because I think this is really mushy. LOL.
Finally I am going for some Starbucks session with Carmen tomorrow. I need to turn in soon.