(Jul 2, 2008)
i was trying too hard to not be myself and it got backfired.
i've got too much emotional rides and that's all that i could take. it was only a short 30days month. and this whole emotion battling started exactly a month ago. it seemed so much shorter than i thought. i didn't expect it to change my life and stir up my feelings and emotion this much. time and again i thought i've moved on but i always found myself rooted to the same ground when i turn around. how can someone affect/bother me so much? i never really bother to find out why. always using "affairs of the heart" as an excuse, an explanation. but really, i couldn't find a reason why. maybe i do, just that i believe it's not.
i thought it was the past but i realised that it's not. maybe behaving like that is just myself, just fiona.
moses always ask me "why they call you nehneh?" and i always replied with a smile on my face "i don't know?" but in fact, nehneh gave me a whole new identity, a new "myself". nehneh brought me a lot of friends, nice ones. nehneh brought me a lot of nice memories too. being nehneh opened me up to these heap of impossibilities and allowed me to see and learn so much more. this might sound absurd and weird and funny but it's true. and now, nehneh's gone and i'm fiona, myself again. i want to be the nehneh again.
no one is always happy. i don't want to be someone who everyone will refer to as the "she will be okay. because she's fiona" person. because i know if i become someone like that to everyone, i will only turnout to be a disappointment one day. there's this saying "i know myself best", no?
i've got too much emotional rides and that's all that i could take. it was only a short 30days month. and this whole emotion battling started exactly a month ago. it seemed so much shorter than i thought. i didn't expect it to change my life and stir up my feelings and emotion this much. time and again i thought i've moved on but i always found myself rooted to the same ground when i turn around. how can someone affect/bother me so much? i never really bother to find out why. always using "affairs of the heart" as an excuse, an explanation. but really, i couldn't find a reason why. maybe i do, just that i believe it's not.
i thought it was the past but i realised that it's not. maybe behaving like that is just myself, just fiona.
moses always ask me "why they call you nehneh?" and i always replied with a smile on my face "i don't know?" but in fact, nehneh gave me a whole new identity, a new "myself". nehneh brought me a lot of friends, nice ones. nehneh brought me a lot of nice memories too. being nehneh opened me up to these heap of impossibilities and allowed me to see and learn so much more. this might sound absurd and weird and funny but it's true. and now, nehneh's gone and i'm fiona, myself again. i want to be the nehneh again.
no one is always happy. i don't want to be someone who everyone will refer to as the "she will be okay. because she's fiona" person. because i know if i become someone like that to everyone, i will only turnout to be a disappointment one day. there's this saying "i know myself best", no?