(Nov 5, 2006)
In Memories
1 Separation
I was then, still that little child holding on to my mother’s hand. I stood under the block, observing every single movement of Joseph’s. He was oblivious of my existence. Still, I stood there, with tears welling up and slowly it proved too hard for me to contain the tears. I could hardly breathe. All the cartons and furniture were finally loaded onto the huge truck. Joseph turned and took a last glance at his house and caught me standing there. He ran over to me and we bade farewell.
“Bye my friend” I said to myself.
Joseph was a loner. His mother had passed away since he was still a baby and his dad brought him up single-handedly. We studied in the same kindergarten. He was wary of people around him and built a shield around him. He was weird -at least I thought so. Coincidentally, we enrolled into the same primary school. I was ecstatic to see him. Though he was still as introverted as ever but gradually, after some interaction, we became closer. We walked home everyday since we stayed in the same block. It was that period of time that I realized that he was not as introverted as I had stereotyped him to be. The wall that he had built around him was the reason.
On a typical mundane day, we took the usual route home. He was extremely quiet that day. The atmosphere was unusually awkward.
“Fiona, my dad says we are moving. To a place that’s faraway from here. I cannot walk home with you anymore.” That was all he said during the 15 minutes walk. Instantaneously, my mind went blank. I was taken aback; it took me some time to realize that my childhood friend is leaving me. A part of me dreads the separation yet on the other hand, I was worried for him. Would he be able to make new friends or would he remained the same and suffer in that new environment?
Everything around me started losing their colours.
I thought it would be the last time that I would ever see him.
2 Reunion
Years later, together with my friends, we were strolling down the pathways in Orchard Road, having fun and generating extremely much noise, everyone had their attention turned to us. Little did I know that I had caught an unexpected attention.
Among the crowds, I saw a familiar face. The same old face that I was being separated from seven years ago. I was unsure and had lost my voice out of a sudden. I observed him for a while, only to notice that his every move had an uncanny resemblance with Joseph. I gasped as he turned over. We looked at each other for as long as I could remember. His lips slowly and carefully pointed upwards. Deep in my heart, I was jubilated, jumping in joy. We exchanged numbers and walked in separate ways. He was so handsome that I could have fallen in love with him immediately if he had not told me the truth some time later after the reunion.
3 The hurting truth
We began messaging each other, updating each other about our lives for the past seven years. He was studying in a private school and life was somewhat still the same. He was still as loner as ever. Life for him has not been smooth riding. Even after all these years, he still does not have a single friend who he could talk to. His dad had remarried. Along with his stepmother, was his stepbrother, Joshua, who was of the same age as him. Thank god, at least they clicked on well, and were more than just brothers, they were soul mates.
“Fiona, would you believed that I’m a gay?” he messaged me. I was appalled. I stared at my phone for several minutes, with the text swirling around my mind. He was, and still am, a gay. He told me all about his crush, this fellow gay he knew from the Internet Relay Chat (IRC). They became a couple a few weeks after knowing him. Later, this became an opened secret. Though having a protection shield around him, he did not want to hurt the others as well. He rejected a girl who was crazily over him in his school by telling her the truth. That girl breached his trust and soon, he’s nickname became Gayboy. He was however, unaffected by it. Maybe, he was just numbed.
His father came to know about it and was devastated but couldn’t bear to scold him, after all, Joseph was all that his previous wife had left for him.
Over the year, Joseph remained his quiet self, and continued to know more gay friends. I kept him unknown to all my friends for fret that they would tease me for having a gay friend and that I’ve promised him that I would keep it to myself. We went out every weekend, reminiscing the old days or catching up with one another but it did not lasted for long. He had his first heartbreak too. Soon, the second separation was here. Joseph’s father was going to Melbourne for his work, which was going to last for 3 years. Joseph was to follow his father. I was crestfallen but what can I do? Secretly in the dark, I prayed for his future.
4 Pain
Throughout the two years, Joseph frequently emailed both Joshua and I about his life and occasionally he would give us a 5 minutes call all the way from Australia. He met a new guy, Jen and started his second relationship. I guess his father’s decision of bringing him there was a wrong choice.
“We spent the day drinking and you-know-what. I will bring back 1000 boxes of Ferero Rocher for you”, “… ok. I will plant a mushroom farm for you”. These were what he promised me but, he failed to fulfill it. On May 2006, Joseph’s parents came back to Singapore as his Granny had passed on. Joseph, on the other hand decided not to return and taking matters at his own hands, he transferred his college from Melbourne to Brisbane without his parents’ approval just to be with Jen, who apparently transferred his school as well. Jen disapproved of Joseph’s defiance, but still continues his relationship with him. They spent quite some time over in the new college until on that fateful night, Joseph committed suicide. He took the plunge from his hostel’s window.
“Fiona, Joseph’s dead” Joshua was crying over the phone. He was gasping for air. That was all I heard over the phone. I stared blankly in space. I knew he wouldn’t joke about such stuffs. Tears started rolling down my cheeks silently. I wept in silence. I could feel my heart shattering. It was like as though my world collapsed. I hung up the phone, buried my head in layers upon layers or pillows and blanket and cried my heart out. I stood up and though I was on a merry-go-round. Everything around me started spinning. I rushed to Joshua’s place. Joshua opened the door. He looked pale. Uncle was sitting on the sofa with his face hidden behind his hands. Aunty looked frail. Her eyes were blood-shot. The blood vessels looked as though they would burst any time soon. I followed Joshua into his room. He sat on the bed, and tears rolled down like an endless stream of river. He started screaming like a mad dog. The scene was almost dramatic. He got hold of himself after having a good time crying.
They left Singapore for Brisbane later in the evening.
It was Jen. He wanted to break off the relationship with Joseph. And out of plain stupidity, Joseph chose the wrong solution.
He was supposed to be back in December 2006. I guess everything was predestined.
Joseph was buried on his school ground, in Brisbane.
I still miss you, Joseph. Even up till today.
1 Separation
I was then, still that little child holding on to my mother’s hand. I stood under the block, observing every single movement of Joseph’s. He was oblivious of my existence. Still, I stood there, with tears welling up and slowly it proved too hard for me to contain the tears. I could hardly breathe. All the cartons and furniture were finally loaded onto the huge truck. Joseph turned and took a last glance at his house and caught me standing there. He ran over to me and we bade farewell.
“Bye my friend” I said to myself.
Joseph was a loner. His mother had passed away since he was still a baby and his dad brought him up single-handedly. We studied in the same kindergarten. He was wary of people around him and built a shield around him. He was weird -at least I thought so. Coincidentally, we enrolled into the same primary school. I was ecstatic to see him. Though he was still as introverted as ever but gradually, after some interaction, we became closer. We walked home everyday since we stayed in the same block. It was that period of time that I realized that he was not as introverted as I had stereotyped him to be. The wall that he had built around him was the reason.
On a typical mundane day, we took the usual route home. He was extremely quiet that day. The atmosphere was unusually awkward.
“Fiona, my dad says we are moving. To a place that’s faraway from here. I cannot walk home with you anymore.” That was all he said during the 15 minutes walk. Instantaneously, my mind went blank. I was taken aback; it took me some time to realize that my childhood friend is leaving me. A part of me dreads the separation yet on the other hand, I was worried for him. Would he be able to make new friends or would he remained the same and suffer in that new environment?
Everything around me started losing their colours.
I thought it would be the last time that I would ever see him.
2 Reunion
Years later, together with my friends, we were strolling down the pathways in Orchard Road, having fun and generating extremely much noise, everyone had their attention turned to us. Little did I know that I had caught an unexpected attention.
Among the crowds, I saw a familiar face. The same old face that I was being separated from seven years ago. I was unsure and had lost my voice out of a sudden. I observed him for a while, only to notice that his every move had an uncanny resemblance with Joseph. I gasped as he turned over. We looked at each other for as long as I could remember. His lips slowly and carefully pointed upwards. Deep in my heart, I was jubilated, jumping in joy. We exchanged numbers and walked in separate ways. He was so handsome that I could have fallen in love with him immediately if he had not told me the truth some time later after the reunion.
3 The hurting truth
We began messaging each other, updating each other about our lives for the past seven years. He was studying in a private school and life was somewhat still the same. He was still as loner as ever. Life for him has not been smooth riding. Even after all these years, he still does not have a single friend who he could talk to. His dad had remarried. Along with his stepmother, was his stepbrother, Joshua, who was of the same age as him. Thank god, at least they clicked on well, and were more than just brothers, they were soul mates.
“Fiona, would you believed that I’m a gay?” he messaged me. I was appalled. I stared at my phone for several minutes, with the text swirling around my mind. He was, and still am, a gay. He told me all about his crush, this fellow gay he knew from the Internet Relay Chat (IRC). They became a couple a few weeks after knowing him. Later, this became an opened secret. Though having a protection shield around him, he did not want to hurt the others as well. He rejected a girl who was crazily over him in his school by telling her the truth. That girl breached his trust and soon, he’s nickname became Gayboy. He was however, unaffected by it. Maybe, he was just numbed.
His father came to know about it and was devastated but couldn’t bear to scold him, after all, Joseph was all that his previous wife had left for him.
Over the year, Joseph remained his quiet self, and continued to know more gay friends. I kept him unknown to all my friends for fret that they would tease me for having a gay friend and that I’ve promised him that I would keep it to myself. We went out every weekend, reminiscing the old days or catching up with one another but it did not lasted for long. He had his first heartbreak too. Soon, the second separation was here. Joseph’s father was going to Melbourne for his work, which was going to last for 3 years. Joseph was to follow his father. I was crestfallen but what can I do? Secretly in the dark, I prayed for his future.
4 Pain
Throughout the two years, Joseph frequently emailed both Joshua and I about his life and occasionally he would give us a 5 minutes call all the way from Australia. He met a new guy, Jen and started his second relationship. I guess his father’s decision of bringing him there was a wrong choice.
“We spent the day drinking and you-know-what. I will bring back 1000 boxes of Ferero Rocher for you”, “… ok. I will plant a mushroom farm for you”. These were what he promised me but, he failed to fulfill it. On May 2006, Joseph’s parents came back to Singapore as his Granny had passed on. Joseph, on the other hand decided not to return and taking matters at his own hands, he transferred his college from Melbourne to Brisbane without his parents’ approval just to be with Jen, who apparently transferred his school as well. Jen disapproved of Joseph’s defiance, but still continues his relationship with him. They spent quite some time over in the new college until on that fateful night, Joseph committed suicide. He took the plunge from his hostel’s window.
“Fiona, Joseph’s dead” Joshua was crying over the phone. He was gasping for air. That was all I heard over the phone. I stared blankly in space. I knew he wouldn’t joke about such stuffs. Tears started rolling down my cheeks silently. I wept in silence. I could feel my heart shattering. It was like as though my world collapsed. I hung up the phone, buried my head in layers upon layers or pillows and blanket and cried my heart out. I stood up and though I was on a merry-go-round. Everything around me started spinning. I rushed to Joshua’s place. Joshua opened the door. He looked pale. Uncle was sitting on the sofa with his face hidden behind his hands. Aunty looked frail. Her eyes were blood-shot. The blood vessels looked as though they would burst any time soon. I followed Joshua into his room. He sat on the bed, and tears rolled down like an endless stream of river. He started screaming like a mad dog. The scene was almost dramatic. He got hold of himself after having a good time crying.
They left Singapore for Brisbane later in the evening.
It was Jen. He wanted to break off the relationship with Joseph. And out of plain stupidity, Joseph chose the wrong solution.
He was supposed to be back in December 2006. I guess everything was predestined.
Joseph was buried on his school ground, in Brisbane.
I still miss you, Joseph. Even up till today.